Gak terasa gue udah masuk ke pertemuan ke-16 dari sesi-sesi psikoterapi gue (1,5 tahun!). I finally made a hard decision for myself: I rent my own place, closer to the office. Udah lama kepengen, tapi karena satu dan lain hal (BANYAK HAL) ketahan2 terus. Pandemi. Money. Feeling of responsibility. The need to control things. Perfectionist. Fear of loneliness. Fear of abandonment. Many types of fear.

Tapi ya akhirnya sadar bahwa gue perlu melakukan ini. My inner children need this. I need this. Jadi ya meski dengan banyak galau dan ga nyaman, gue memberanikan diri pelan-pelan keluar dari comfort zone, dan akhirnya ga terasa udah hampir 2 bulan jalan.

It’s a small place. Imperfect at first. But I decided that I’m the one who needs to make it perfect for me. Jadi ya yang kurang2 pelan2 dilengkapin. Yang ga nyaman pelan2 dibenerin biar nyaman buat gue tinggali. I raised my sleeves and did the hard work myself. Spent some money. So far so good.

Things have been going well after that. Massively well. Especially at the office. Gue jadi punya banyak waktu dan energi untuk melakukan apapun yang tadinya ga bisa gue lakukan karena waktu gue abis di jalan PP kantor-rumah.

Masih ada anxiety, tapi gue udah lebih tahu dan aware akan perubahan mood gue, udah lebih tau kapan gue harus stop and ask myself what is this feeling I’m having, what caused it, what reminds me of, what will we do about it, can we talk to someone about this, should we write it down.

Tapi ternyata, masih aja ada hal2 yang kelewat, and I’m learning something new that I think I want to share it today.

Soalnya gue lagi cuti juga ahoahaohaohao. Jadi gue bisa nulis blog sambil brunch salad and mushroom soup and cafe mocha. Fancy.

Oh, how I love brunches.

Back to topic, jadi selama beberapa bulan ini gue kan udah berhasil mengenali rasa kenyang. Kayak, finally gue merasa cukup aja. Kayaknya efek dari berbagai macam hal. Salah satunya (kalau kata psikoterapis gue) karena gue finally memperbolehkan diri gue makan es krim without feeling guilty or fear of getting fat.

Gue juga udah 4 bulanan kayaknya ga nimbang. Jadi olahraga dan makan sehat (dan enak) cukup buat biar tetep sehat aja. Ngukur progress (kalo memang mau ada target tertentu) by ukuran baju aja. Celananya longgaran, bajunya masi sempit di lengan. gitu2 aje.

Makan es krim juga ga tiap hari. Kalo misal ada occasion aja dan gue merasa gue mau rewarding my inner children with something. Biasanya abis sesi psikoterapi sih. Kadang kalo udah kenyang atau eneg bosen makan manis (aku ingin chiki keju abis itu) ya ga diabisin. But they are happily loved and fed (my inner children) and that’s the goal.

I finally know how to talk to myself too. Soal forgiving myself masih tertatih2, but I’m learning.

Tapi kadang masih anxious. Masih suka heran kenapa nulis fiksi masih tersendat2. There’s something I can’t pinpoint.

Terus gue cerita ke psikoterapis gue, digali (tanpa lelah, untuk yang ini gue amaze sih ama psikoterapis gue, gue aja kadang capek, tapi dia tetep nanya supaya gue bisa gali2), dan finally nemu rootnya dari mimpi that I’ve been having dan buat gue kepikiran.

Gue bilang di akhir, “Ya aku ambil keputusan ini soalnya aku gamau kayak gitu. Aku gamau jadi mikir gitu. Aku mau stand up for myself, tapi aku gamau mikir gitu.”

Terus psikoterapis gue ngernyitin alis, ngeliat gue dan ngomong

“Ya berarti ada perasaan apa yang kamu hindari di sana, Manda? Pikiran apa yang gak mau kamu miliki soal ini?”

And just like that. I knew the source of my problem.

I put myself on blind mode for several things (and people) that hold my heart. I just don’t want to see it (or them) the bad way, because that means that I’m alone in this world.

But awful things do happen. Bukan berarti mereka (atau hal itu) sepenuhnya buruk. But people do make mistakes. Things get expired. And change is a constant thing.

Terus yaudah dari sesi terakhir gue baru ngeh bahwa ada beberapa urusan dan kenyataan yang gue hindari untuk terima dan rasakan. Kayak masih “Ah enggak, gak gitu. Gak mungkin gitu ah. There’s must be other explanation for it. Gak gitu.”

Tapi gue frustrasi. Gue marah. Gue sebel. Gue kecewa. Dan itu ngurek di dalem, dan gue rasa itu adalah salah satu hal kenapa anxiety gue kumat.

Gue jadi mikir. Apakah itu adalah salah satu source kenapa gue emotional eating. Kenapa gue obsesif akan sesuatu. Apa aja keputusan di masa lalu yang gue lakukan in a stealth mode, hanya sekadar supaya sibuk, supaya ga mikirin, supaya ga ngerasain, supaya gue gak perlu hadapin apa yang harusnya gue hadapin.

Social media. Food. Traveling. Luxury goods. Exclusive access. Status. Money. Power. Prestige. Achievements. Fame.

Which one gives you that temporary euphoria to let you divert your intention from the real thing happening in your life?

Sebenernya hal ini udah sering denger kan. Pelarian. Denial. Teori2 di socmed banyak. But to finally learn and understand it di sesi psikoterapi totally rings different to me.

To think again, salah satu kata2 yang gue ulang2 dari dulu (bahkan sebelum dan sesudah psikoterapi) adalah “Aku gamau ngerasain.”

The answer is there all the time. It’s on the tip of my tounge. In front of my nose.

Terus yauda deh. Abis itu jadi mikir “Oh berarti, gue perlu ngerasain. Kalo one day ada mimpi yang mengganggu, yang bikin kepikiran, yang bikin anxious. Gue perlu duduk dan proses. Mau ada temporary divertion yaudah, I mean, good food gitu, good to have lah. Tapi coba si hepi2 itu setelah atau bareng dirasain sakit2nya, galau2nya, susah2nya nerima kenyataan. Dan coba lihat apakah setelah we deal with this problem kita masih pengin makan atau spend money.”

Polisi tidur pertama yang perlu gue lewati setelah sesi mencerahkan tersebut adalah loneliness. Gue di kos. The emptiness said hello. I played a video game (but I felt empty), I cooked, I did some exercises. I still felt empty.

I stopped and think. Got my journal and wrote. Let the emptiness took me in. Dived and swam in it. Embraced it.

Gue mikir. Dan gue sadar bahwa the solution to loneliness is not food, or game, or exercise, or denial. The solution is I need to go out there and talk to someone and feeling a connection with people, or I could just write a post in a blog to share my thoughts. Someone will read.

And here I am writing to you.

Hey, I learned something new today:

The things that we don’t want to feel, are the things that will haunt us forever.

Thank you for listening.

Until my next #MentalHealthJourney stories, guys.