Still not writing anything. No travelling. No reading. No cooking. No painting. No playing (real) video game. No recording podcast. No talking to friend. No chatting. No crying heavily.

Just living and working.

I used to think that all of these happened because work’s being crazy. But my last session with my psychotherapist made me think again.

I do have time to do all my (used to be) hobbies before. I could always make time for it. My boss have been kind to me. My workplace respects my boundaries, let me have my weekend in peace.

It’s just, I don’t want to do it at the time. Don’t feel like cooking. Don’t feel like writing. Don’t feel like chatting. Don’t feel like reading. I spend my time doing whatever I like at the moment, watching movies, eating healthy food (no steamed purple potato! apparently, I really hate it. Took me 5 years to realize that), little reading, little doodling, light walking, eating chocolate and drinking milk when I feel like it, exercising when I feel like it.

No goals. It’s weird. When I don’t want to do something and I know I don’t need to do that, nobody’s gonna die because of that, I won’t die because of that, that’s it. Not doing it.

It seems that the I want and I don’t want became what I think about every second these days.

You’re in the regression state, it could feel different. That’s what my psychotherapist told me. I’ve been doing some bodywork therapy — a way to access my unconscious and muscle memory, I think. That might be the cause of it.

At least you finally know what you want and what you don’t want to do, Amanda.

I looked up. Searched the definition of regression in psychology. This came up.

According to Sigmund Freud,¹ regression is an unconscious defense mechanism, which causes the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development (instead of handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult manner).

Regression is a defense mechanism in which people seem to return to an earlier developmental stage. This tends to occur around periods of stress—for example, an overwhelmed child may revert to bedwetting or thumb-sucking. Regression may arise from a desire to reduce anxiety and feel psychologically safe.

I still don’t understand. But I know that I don’t need to understand it. I just need to feel and accept it.

I made this last week.

It’s amazing how we are boiled, cooked, grilled, formed, and sculpted in the first 7 years of our life. The people you meet in those years are important. The scene you see. The words you hear.

It’s like writing a know-how book that would define the dream and the fear of a person. 7 years of writing.

I found that all the things that make me feel comfortable, things that make me feel sad, make me feel betrayed, scared me the most, how I see the world, how I see the people around me, are defined in those 7 years.

I found that no matter how far I go, no matter how deep I sink and soar high, there’s always some bits of my childhood that I unconsciously & consciously keep close and search for, just so I feel relaxed, just to ease my pain, just so I don’t feel alone, just to make sure that I feel safe.

The kind words become your light. The pain and rejection scarred you forever, and it will haunt you until you learn how to heal it yourself, accept that you do have scars, accept that it will never be the same with other people. People might see that scars of you as weird, lack, but it’s normal for you, it’s yours, and that’s fine.

It’s intriguing and mind-blowing to know that I feel like I have known the world but I don’t even know myself.

All the keys are different. The logic can’t be applied.

Now that I’m in the (what my psychotherapist called) regression state, I was asking myself is this quite the same with me pressing a reset button of myself?

If that’s true. What part of me will stay and what part of me will go away?