If you don’t have time to read my COVID diary, you could just read my takes on it. But if you want details on how I did my self-isolation and what medicines I take (please, consult with your own doctor), you could read them here: Week 1, Week 2 and Week 3.

This post would be all about my mental improvement during and after I got infected with COVID-19.

Maybe for other people, being infected by COVID-19 was just being sick, I got something else out of it.

A week before Covid, I’m at my lowest emotional state. That’s why I’m looking for professional help. I want to define my problems and find solution for it. There are things that I cannot handle myself and I need to do something about it.

I still need it. And I will continue. But things were way different after I’m in a situation where I don’t know whether me and my family will alive for the next 3 weeks.

Maybe, if I’m the only one who’s got infected, I wouldn’t feel that much sad and desperate. But because Mom and Dad were also positive, I just realized how fragile they were, and how I desperately want them to survive.

And how I could help them feeling better and live better, because there are things only me could do (at that time).

That Defining Moment

In the middle of week 2. When my Mom and Dad were having their noon nap and I was busy changing my Dad’s bed sheets all while reporting their latest status to my cousin doctor and replying work things, also thinking about what to eat for dinner, should I order something to boost everyone’s mood? Oh, and I also thought about transferring some money to my another account so I could take all of us to PCR swab test on Saturday. I was busy going here and there, loading laundry, answering chats, then I accidentally looked at the mirror, stopped myself for a while, and I’m thinking like this:

I underestimated myself all this time. I set my standard to that time when I got no friends, no job, no money. My confidence got beaten up so bad because of my 6 years depression (2010-2016) and it affects the way of me dealing with many things in life. I don’t trust people. I’m difficult to love and to be loved. I never feel enough.

People get high and low in life. Yes, I could still hit a new low after this. I could lost my job. I could lost my sights. I could lost all the things I own. People that I care about could leave me. But all my experiences build the me today. All the great people that I met and I let into my life build the me today. I may not be able to do some things 10 years ago. But I could now. I may not be able tomorrow. But I could always learn to be better.

Look at me not crying at the corner of my room. My feet’s moving, my hand’s working, adrenaline’s flowing. I was sick, sweats pouring from I don’t know where (this virus is one of the weirdest), I still lost my smell and taste, but I choose to fight.

The me 10 years ago would cry at the corner of my room, silently asking to die faster.

The way I see it, I could be a CEO and have 3 babies right now and I know I would give my best at defining problems and finding solutions. I could be a manager of world-class celebrity and I would be really great at it. I could build a house from scratch if I don’t have money and I want it so bad.

If I’m not great at it I don’t even care that much. I could always learn.

I told myself at that time: If I survived this. I want to have fun. I’ll demand the love and care that I deserve. I’ll show my colleagues, family, friends, and that one special person that I care about them deeply. I’ll be more patient with my family (yup, dirty kitchen is not the end of the world). I’ll continue my psychotherapy. I’ll visit all the places I wish to visit. I’ll make new friends. I’ll write the book that I want. I’ll sing. I’ll cook and bake. I’ll do that standup comedian stuff some day.

This virus reminds me on how to separate which emotions are the results of my ego, and which one aren’t.

Though sometimes I can’t control my feelings, I finally see which one is which.

Amanda Bahra All Right

• 

Thankfully, me, my Mom, and my Dad got out of this mess. We got negative results at the end of March 2021. Maybe not fully intact. As I’m writing this post right now, I am still trying to make my step Dad agree to visit lung specialist, because he’s at the end of his 50s already and he’s a heavy smoker (though he’s trying so hard to reduce it, and he did reduce it throughout his covid recovery). I just need to recheck if there’s further medication we need to do after this.

So many people: my own uncle, my best friends’ beloved ones, couldn’t survive this virus. I know a person who lost so much through 2020: job, money, family, husband. I’m not planning to take advantage of the different kind of story my family got.

I used to have this personal joke (that I tell myself from time to time) that I was just Amanda Bah, I’m not worthy yet to be called Amanda Bahraini.

If you ever watched that movie Frances Ha you would understand why. Frances Halladay is a dancer who’s not like her other ‘grownup’ friends. She called herself Frances Ha because she doesn’t feel like a human yet. But one day, she finally able to control herself and produce the actual art piece she’s been trying to make. She knew the kind of clothes she wants to wear and the kind of hairstyle she’s comfortable with. She knew that day that she’s finally Frances Halladay.

It’s my fav movie of all time.

I could say that I’m adulting a bit this March 2021. I think I’m Amanda Bahra these days.

Not gonna say thanks to covid, but I will say thanks to people around me who reminds me what fun I’d be missed if I gave up. If I die this minute, please do know that I do love and appreciate you all.

Deepest condolences to all who have lost their beloved ones. Sending hopes to anyone who’s struggling right now.

And yes, this is a very dramatic way to tell a story about covid. It’s not an easy road.

Jakarta, April 2nd, 2021,

Amanda Bahra.