All or Nothing.

I am an all-or-nothing kinda person.

Tried to compromise. Tried to do many things at once. Tried to optimize my time to get a lot of results.

But I can’t.

Especially if two of my priorities got clashed with each other. I want this one but I cannot do if I don’t get that one, but that one is only happened if I get this one – kinda thing.

It’s annoying. I got into that kind of situation a lot of times. Most of the time, it’s like I’m asking universe to give me the sample-size of my goals, just a sample, enough to get me going. But of course, nothing is free. Everyone’s going to pay at one point. Some people get the invoice after service. Me? Pay in the front. Always pay in the front.

Might be safer, but most of time, no fun. More than once, I tried so hard and then unsatisfied with the results.

So many dilemmas that I brought with myself in 2020. I think sometimes I mistake fear with patience. Hopelessness with loyalty.

So this year, I told myself to choose. Some people could focus on everything they want, but not you, Amanda. You’re too anxious to do that.

So choose. Pick something that you CAN control.

It’s hard to let go, but I think that’s the way things are with me. I had observed enough, I saw enough, I felt enough. I have the ability and feelings to think things through and see when things are moving into the right direction or things that have changed course for a long time.

So I let go. It’s not for me.