Hari ini gue memutuskan menulis setelah melihat invoice domain + hosting amandabahraini.com mampir di e-mail.
Baru inget udah lama blog ini dianggurin, padahal pas memutuskan bikin domain + hosting natal tahun lalu pake resolusi tahun depan mau lebih rajin nulis cerpen, biar sesuai gitu apa yang dikerjakan dan life goal.
Emang gitu si Manda anaknya.
Jadi hari ini nulis dalam sepi, sebelum tidur. Dengan lampu baca yang baru dibeli Agustus lalu. Sambil dengerin lagunya Plasi yang Make the Call.
Salah satu alasan gue susah banget nulis: gue merasa makin berumur, makin susah mengungkapkan yang ada di hati dan kepala. Kayak dikit2 takut dianggap alay gitu loh.
((karena gue udah cukup alay di masa muda))
Tapi, apalah gunanya blog kalau gak mencerminkan isi hati nyang punya, jadi yaudah gapapa deh, boleh curhat dikit.
Gue mau curhat apa yang gue rasa selama tahun 2020:
- January: Excited!
- February: Hi old crush, we meet again.
- March: Omg, deadly virus?
- April: I think I like yoga, I think working from home is made for me
- May: Old crush tumben so sweet
- June: Masih suka WFH, masih suka yoga
- July: Marah2 aje bawaannya si Manda
- Agustus: Ok, old crush, please die after me
- September: I secretly think that whatever I’m having with this person right now is both exhilarating and tiresome – is it supposed to be like this?
- October: I am tired of just talking through chat with this specific person, but deadly virus is around
- November: I totally forgot about my novel project, let’s get it done before 2021
- December: Maybe all of those feelings and ambitions not real, maybe we could never go back to normal
The fact that I have to put on hold on everything, sucks. I am not sure about everything, I don’t think anyone is sure about anything right now. Balancing between what I want and what I think others want from me = tiring.
Gitu loh, what a tiring year. Kadang gue mikir, ini udah damai, udah bagus gini. We’ve been worse, Amanda, gak usah bikin2 drama2. Just stay put and do your book project. Gak perlu bersyukur kalau gak ngerasa begitu, tapi juga gak usah minta macem2.
Apalagi ini tahun 2020. Udah semuanya #DiRumahAja. Kerja di rumah, mimpi di rumah, perasaan juga taro di rumah aja. Kekep aja semua.
But I am worried. This is what this year is all about, worrisome.
I went to my old fav cafes, one is closed forever, and the other isn’t selling my fav bread anymore. I went to the mall and I found a dimly lit bookstore, a dark, creepy theater. There goes my fav chili con carne, and my fav kebab is still around but then the feelings aren’t the same anymore.
Empty spaces – shops and stands disappeared.
Things will never be the same again, I just hope I am wise enough to face the reality next year.
So that’s how my 2020 went.